riptides

This past season I have felt totally dragged around by my circumstances. All the big moments of my life were out of my control, and I felt like I was drowning in helplessness. With preeclampsia, tough delivery, Everly's rough start, and my postpartum depression and PTSD, I had to fight to get out of bed every day. I fought to love my husband, and I fought to mother my baby.

I felt like I was caught in a riptide, and I was thrashing around to try and get air.

in the transition room at the hospital; one of my darkest times was waiting for Everly to get to come home.

"Let go and give it to God!" wise voices in my life told me. I cringed. "Letting go" is such a vague term. I wanted detailed step-by-step instructions on how to give my problems and pain to God.

That was the problem. In my desire for clarity, I was maintaining my white-knuckled grip on my life, wanting to keep some semblance of control amongst my chaos. When I read the signs about riptides at the beach, they warn against trying to fight your way out of it. The way to escape drowning in the deadly current is to relax.

Let go.

Close your eyes, release your grip, and rest in grace.

There are no instructions for this and that's the point. It's about learning to trust that God has you in the palm of his hand. He will care for you better than you ever could. My religious roots could not accept the presence of the Holy Spirit as a substitute for hard work. I needed the Lord to assure me that although my efforts were not and would never be enough, I, his beloved, was somehow enough to please him and fulfill my purpose during that season.

Letting go of our finances meant tithing when it made no sense.
Letting go of our marriage meant resting in the security of our love and bond.
Letting go of the household meant reducing the amount of things I had to do by reducing (once again) the amount of things we had.

My thrashing around to improve myself was rooted in pride and a desire for control. I needed to realize that all of me was created by God, and he had a plan for every dream of my heart. By fighting to find my purpose, I was ignoring the quiet whisper of the Lord in my daily life.

He had placed me in a nest of beauty waiting to be uncovered. My daughter blossoms more every day, and I have an opportunity to shape the environment that she grows in. By letting go of a need for perfection, I have the freedom to pursue beauty instead.
 

photo cred: Ben Roberts

It has been a long, hard season, but I feel like I am finally coming out of it. I am starting to be released from the riptide and I am ready to dive headfirst into the waves of my true calling. I am taking steps to find exactly what that is, as my biggest dream has already come true in Everly. Will I creatively focus on music, art, writing? All of the above? I'll be digging into that in these next few months to find what the Lord truly desires for me in this life, because it's so much better than anything I could ever scrap together.