plans

Yesterday, I planned to go to the doctor, see an ultrasound, and go home to clean and organize baby things.

This morning, I had planned to be at work for an hour already.

Next week, I had planned to go to Charlotte and appear on one of the biggest worship albums of the year.

Instead, I'm spending the day today collecting a 24 hour sample of my own pee (I have to carry a big red jug back and forth from the bathroom to the fridge) and resting with my feet up. The next few weeks are now filled with non-stress tests and blood pressure monitoring.

I've been diagnosed with an early stage of preeclampsia. The baby is ok right now; the only thing we are keeping an eye on is a little bit of restricted growth. The tests I'll be having over the next few weeks are to monitor my condition to find out when the scales tip in the direction of needing to deliver the baby. The midwife has informed me that I need to be prepared to give birth sooner than I had expected; less than the expected six weeks and more like a hopeful three weeks.

I've started to ramp up my preparations at home since our little girl may be here sooner than we expected, and I'm getting my hospital bag ready for the unexpected.

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11, The Message

Yesterday I cried until I was sick of my own tears, but today I am a warrior against the plans that the enemy has for my life and my daughter's. I am resting my swollen feet and giving myself the now necessary extra time to finish tasks and prepare for the uncertain future. I have a peace about the course of action that we are taking with the doctor and feel that we will be monitoring the situation closely enough to react appropriately. Prayers are welcome and appreciated, and we will need all of the friends that we have behind our backs as we begin this battle. Thank you for your support and prayers. 

loneliness within fellowship: a confessional

There are few feelings as sickening as coming to terms with lies that you have allowed yourself to believe. I have let the enemy whisper loneliness into my heart with notions of my isolation and unwantedness. Sitting last night with a group of girls who I considered to be more socially integrated and active than myself, I heard my own fears and pains echoed in their words. I began to realize how much loneliness is the hidden disease of community. We focus so much on the joys of being together that we can forget the strength of the bonds that sustain our relationships in the silent places, the isolated times.

The lie of loneliness within fellowship is a self-perpetuating one. We believe that we are unwanted, so we stop reaching out to others in our community. "No one is texting me or reaching out online," I'll whine to Everett, without remembering (or acknowledging) that I haven't texted or messaged anyone in weeks. My anxieties about someone turning me down and confirming my unwantedness often overwhelm my drive to connect. Here's my challenge to myself and anyone else who struggles with this: When you are feeling lonely and neglected, be the one who initiates contact. You don't have to plan a huge get together to fill the void of friendship in your heart; a simple text reminder that you are thinking of someone can shine a light on that relationship, and remind both of you of the connection and support you already have.

These are simple tips, but they should be considered "snacks" between the feasts of fun parties and intimate coffee dates. Next time you feel lonely, make the effort to break the cycle and connect. Chances are, you will find that someone feels the same way you do and has the same deep need for friendship and connection.